Behavioral problems and effective solutions for 10-, 11-, and 12-Year-Olds
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By the time children become tweens, they’ve outgrown some of the discipline strategies that worked well when they were younger. The behaviors that require discipline are likely to shift, too, when children turn 10. It’s key to address behavior problems with effective discipline strategies that will help your tween learn the skills they're going to need to thrive during the teen years.1
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Typical Tween Behavior
Your tween will likely have replaced baby talk with back-talk and exchanged pint-sized temper tantrums with sulking. That’s all part of their normal development. Tweens face a variety of issues, ranging from hormonal changes and physical growth to social pressure and increased academic work.2
It’s also normal for tweens to begin to spend more time with friends, rather than the family. So, don’t be surprised when your 10-year-old wants to spend the night at their friend’s house, rather than having pizza and watching a movie with you.3
Some tweens really begin to shine academically, while others grow painfully aware that they struggle more with school than their peers. It’s also common for tweens to have a push-and-pull relationship with self-esteem. They may seem to lack humility one minute, saying things like, “I am the smartest kid in the whole school,” only to then add, “No one likes me.”3
It’s also common for tweens to become self-conscious. One child may feel insecure because their friends are developing faster while another may feel embarrassed they're developing earlier than their peers.2
A large part of this uncertainty has to do with a growing interest in how others perceive them. Tweens worry about what their friends think of them as well as what other students in the school think.2
Common Behavior Challenges
Tweens are trying to fit in, look cool, and appear grown-up. So many of them start cursing in an attempt to sound older (or to impress their friends).2
They also may become angry over seemingly small things.4 A bad test grade, an argument with a friend, a rough day on the ball field, or a request to clean a bedroom might set them off. Anger may lead to yelling, sulking, or slamming doors.
A “know-it-all” attitude also may start to emerge during the tween years. While a child’s reasoning and problem-solving skills become more advanced around this age, many tweens think they’re able to do everything on their own.5
So, don’t be surprised if your child says, “I know!” whenever you remind them to pick up their socks or wash their hands before dinner. It’s also common for children around the age of 11 to become argumentative.6
Your child may start to ask questions like, “You said you were only going to talk to Grandma for a few minutes. So why did you stay on the phone for an hour?” or, “You always say it’s not healthy to eat junk food. So why do you keep a bag of chocolate candy on your desk?”
Your tween also may look for loopholes in your rules as well. If you say, “No TV after dinner,” they may try to delay dinner as long as possible so they can watch TV longer. Or, if you tell them to stop watching TV, they may say, “I’m not watching TV. I’m watching my tablet.”
While this pushback is often frustrating for parents and caregivers, it is also developmentally appropriate.2
Discipline Strategies That Work
It’s important to make sure your discipline strategies match your child’s needs. When your child breaks the rules or misbehaves, use approaches that will teach them to make better choices in the future. Use effective methods like the following.7
Create a Behavior Contract
A behavior contract outlines what your child needs to do to earn and keep extra privileges. If they want a smartphone, explain how they could show you when they're ready for that responsibility. Write down the behaviors you’d need to see from them, such as getting their chores done on time and putting away their other electronics without arguing.7
Take Away Privileges
When your child misbehaves, remove a meaningful privilege. Take away electronics for 24 hours or don’t allow them to go to a friend’s house over the weekend. Removing those privileges maintains your authority and sends a message that privileges must be earned.7
Reward Good Behavior
A simple reward system can be key to helping your child stay motivated. Give them an allowance for doing their chores or let them invite a friend to the movies if they get all of their homework handed in on time. Or create a token economy system that helps them practice new behaviors.1
Provide Pre-Teaching
It’s likely your 11-year-old will start doing more things on their own. Before you send them into new situations, talk about the rules and your expectations. Spend some time reviewing how they might handle specific problems that could arise.7
Engage in Problem-Solving
Rather than tell your child what to do, problem-solve with them. Point out a problem and ask for their input by saying, “You keep forgetting to bring your basketball sneakers with you to school. What can we do so you’ll remember?” If they weigh in on the possible solutions, they’ll likely be more motivated to improve their behavior.8
Allow for Natural Consequences
Step aside and let your child make some mistakes. Allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. So rather than remind them repeatedly to pack their snack for school, let them forget it one day. Missing out on a snack and feeling hungry might help them remember to pack a snack the next time.8
Preventing Future Problems
In addition to responding to the behavior you don't want your tween to repeat, you can encourage good behavior. A few simple strategies may go a long way in preventing behavior problems before they start.
Avoid Labeling Your Child
Avoid referring to your child as, “the athletic one,” or, “my little artist.' Even labels that are meant to be positive can be harmful. As kids grow and mature, their interests and abilities are likely to shift. Labels could cause your child to feel pressured to live up to the labels you placed on them when they were younger.9
Explain Your Expectations Ahead of Time
Many behavior problems can be prevented by explaining your expectations upfront. So, before your child goes to a movie with a friend or before you drop them off at the town pool, explain your rules ahead of time. Make it clear what you want to see from them and what you expect them to do if they encounter any trouble.6
Talk About the Underlying Reasons for Your Rules
Make sure your child knows why you establish your rules. You don’t want them to think, “I have to go to bed early because my mom is mean.” Instead, teach them that they need to get sleep because it’s good for their brain and their body. When they understand the reasons behind your rules, they’ll be more likely to make good choices when you aren’t there to enforce them.6
Monitor Your Child’s Day-to-Day Activities
Although your tween will likely want a lot of freedom, they won’t yet have the decision-making skills to navigate all of life's challenges. It’s important to keep an eye on their activities. Know who they spend time with, where they are going, and what they're doing online.9
Give Your Child Some Freedom
On the other hand, avoid being overprotective or a lawnmower parent. Kids need a little freedom to make mistakes and solve problems independently. Giving your child choices now can prevent bigger acts of rebellion later.6
Teach Anger Management Skills
Many behavior problems stem from anger management issues. Proactively teach your child how to deal with day-to-day frustrations, such as an unfair call in the soccer game or a last-minute change in plans.10
Make it Clear That Privileges Must Be Earned
Privileges for your 10-year-old can include things like watching TV, playing on a tablet, and being allowed to go to a friend's home. Only allow your child to have those privileges when they behave responsibly.7
Model Proper Behavior
One of the best ways to teach appropriate behavior to your tween is to model good behavior yourself. By setting the best example you can, you show your child that even when times are tough or when emotions run high, it's possible to disagree with others and still show respect. Changing your own behavior may be difficult, but it's the best way to model the behavior you want to see in your child.6
Improve Communication With Your Tween
Talking to a tween can feel like an uphill battle sometimes. Whether your tween insists they know everything or they seem to have nothing to say when you ask about your day, don’t give up.
Remind Your Child of the Rules Without Nagging
Be prepared to have conversations about the household rules and the importance of enforcing them. It’s also imperative to continuously address issues like kindness and respect.9
Listen to Your Child’s Opinion
When you show that you value what they think, they'll start to value their own opinion. That’s important because you want them to be a critical thinker who knows they can make healthy decisions.9
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Ask questions about movie characters, what their friends are doing, and how they feel about current events. Ask them how they arrived at their decisions and why they think the way they do. They'll start developing some of their own values and beliefs soon, and many of those might be different from yours. So now is a great time to help them understand why they think the way they do—not simply because that’s what someone told them to think.9
Talk About How to Gain More Freedom
Explain that rules are based on your child’s ability to show you they can handle more responsibility. So, if they get their homework done and do their chores without a reminder, you may be able to trust them to be more independent.
Give Your Child Some Input on the Rules
Ask your child what they think of the rules. Doing so gives them an opportunity to practice expressing their thoughts and ideas in a socially appropriate manner. Just make it clear that the ultimate decision is up to you and you won’t cave to whining, complaining, or disrespectful behavior.6
A Word From Verywell
As your child enters the tween years, new behaviors and stages of development will require new discipline strategies. Effective discipline balances the child's need for greater independence with reasonable age-appropriate rules and boundaries to keep them healthy and safe.
Parenting adolescents comes with some ups and downs. But with open communication and a willingness to learn and grow, parents and tweens can truly enjoy this exciting stage of the child's development.
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