Feeling good about yourself makes you attractive to others. As you love yourself, life becomes less burdensome and relationships become easier and more spontaneous. You don’t spend your time second-guessing what others are thinking about you and where you stand in your various relationships. When you have an internal sturdiness deep within your core, you smoothly adapt to the inevitable ups and downs that come with relationships.
A busy quest for validation from others won’t necessarily bring it. In fact, this sign of insecurity may push people away.
Here are five ways anyone can make themselves more attractive in relationships.
1. Don’t take yourself so seriously.You do not have to be perfect to have solid relationships and love in your life. In fact, it’s being imperfect that puts people at ease. There is a kind of intimacy that takes hold, a sense that you can be open with this person because they are being open with you. Of course, it’s important to connect with supportive and non-toxic people. Generally speaking though, most of the time and with most people, the negative sentiments others may communicate or imply about you are not rigid insults to your character. Don’t give added attention to perceived slights. Let the small stuff slide off your back. When faced with valid or invalid criticism, see if you can laugh at yourself or make a joke. In the end, others don’t define you no matter what they say.
2. Do the right thing, anyway.If you struggle a little with self-esteem, chances are you are seeking the approval of others. You are covertly on the lookout for praise, a sense that you belong, and are doing the “right” thing. When you are doing this you are not thinking about the bigger picture, because you are too focused on yourself. A busy quest for validation from others won’t necessarily bring it. In fact, this sign of insecurity may push people away. Instead, do the right thing for yourself, for others, and for society at large. Be generous to the people in your life and to those who have less — listen, support, give them your present attention. See if this brings you validation.
3. Live for yourself.People who have a sense of purpose and meaning are compelling because they exude strength. Constant surveillance about how others may or may not be judging you wastes precious time that could be spent on getting what you want out of life. Ask yourself: “What brings me happiness?” What would you like to accomplish in this life? What brings you a feeling of wellbeing and contentment? Quiet the voice in your head that second-guesses your choices. Live for yourself.
4. Chose to be happy.If you are happy, others will sense this and will feel at ease in your presence. As I describe in my workbook, “Building Self-Esteem: 5 Steps,” one way to actively chose happiness is to develop awareness for your internal critic — that voice in your head that comments and judges. Giving yourself over to your internal critic is like jumping off a cliff into nothingness — this is where your internal critic will take you if you let it. It’s your responsibility to recognize when your critic turns on you and to tell it “NO!” Distract yourself with exercise, reading, work, helping others, or creative endeavors. Do whatever you have to do, but shut down the critic as soon as you hear its carping voice. Over and over, choose happiness.
5. Take care of yourself:People who take care of themselves are more attractive because they emanate self-discipline. Being in control of yourself means others don’t experience you as a burden that has to be cared for. Eating nutritiously, exercising regularly and attending to your emotional health, should be a part of your daily routine.